Thinking Ahead…The Empty Nest Countdown Begins March 12, 2010

Thinking Ahead…The Empty Nest Countdown Begins

I haven’t been blogging much this week. I have however been working out regularly and doing a lot of thinking. This week my oldest daughter, Olivia has had a couple of days off from school due to state academic testing.  She did try to spend a majority of those days glued to the couch watching marathon episodes of Overhauled… I will admit that I sat through a couple episodes with her. T.V., however has never been my thing…I cannot stand to be glued to the couch and brainwashed for hours at a time.

After a couple of episodes of her favorite show I wandered off into the kitchen. Now baking, on the other hand…is my thing. Ever since my kids were small I have enjoyed baking them fresh treats and meals. It is a very rare occasion that a store-bought goodie, meal or bottle of pop makes its way into our home. My family will joke that something must be wrong with me if it’s been more than three days and I have not baked goodies. And three days is usually the maximum time for them to wipe out whatever I have just baked. A layer cake, a pie, double pan of brownies or 8 dozen cookies…they will be gone by the third day every time. It is amazing that we are all thin.  J

There I was, clanging my way around the kitchen, getting ready to make a Raw Apple Cake with Caramel Frosting…when curiosity got the best of my daughter and she came peeking into the kitchen. Now Olivia does not take after mom, in that unlike me and her younger siblings, she really has no interest in the kitchen, other than digging into the finished product.

She asked what I was baking that day, and I told her that her sister had requested a Caramel Apple Cake…she smiled and licked her lips as she began to peek into the mixing bowl. I have learned that the only way to get Olivia to help cook is to casually assign her duties. She enjoys prep work but will not volunteer her services…she simply it’s and admires until assigned a task.

So we spend a nice afternoon in the kitchen together baking and prepping dinner together. Olivia and I chit chat about nothing and about everything while we work. It was a really nice time…we did the same thing yesterday as we baked an apple pie and made dinner.

After each night came to an end I found myself getting upset…thinking about the future. I thought about how my sweet little girl will be 17 this month and how next year she graduates. I thought about how quickly the time goes…how unfair it seems…and how much I am going to miss her.

I know that my other two kids will be around for a while yet… 4 and 5 more years…but Olivia is the first to go and I know it is just going to crush me. Sometimes I wonder if I am more worked up about her leaving the nest and going to on her own or the fact that I will be forced to readjust my mommy roll to a degree.

It’s a tough thing, the cross between the joy of watching them blossom into young adults and the emptiness inside of knowing that you can’t have them remain young forever. I know I will be blessed with many more joys as they all grow up and start lives of their own. I know they will all make me prod and I will be forever grateful for having them in my life. I wonder what will be harder though…when the first one leaves or when the last one goes, only time will tell I suppose. Until then I will continue to relish every moment we have together.

Starting Somewhere-My Fat Excuses March 9, 2010

Starting Somewhere-My Fat Excuses

Yesterday I seemed to have misplaced my motivation for pretty much everything. I just hate those days. I had laundry that needed done, bathrooms to clean, I had planned on baking treats for the kids and none of it got done. I even had an appointment at 10:30 in the morning which I completely blew off and had to reschedule for later that day.

I did manage to finish reading a book I had started last week, so that was good.

Two weeks earlier I had worked out four days in a row. I did weight lifting one day, elliptical the next, Jillian Michael’s DVD the following day, which I barely survived. I was extremely sore from the DVD, yet on the last day I did the elliptical, for aver an hour…I have never in my life done the elliptical for that long. Needless to say I could barely walk for the next three days.

Last week I managed to work out just twice, I believe a part of me was in fear of possible returning post-workout pain like I had experienced the week before. My boyfriend kept trying to motivate me and assured me that it will get easier, and told me to not give up.

Finally, after getting close to nothing done all day yesterday, at 11pm, I forced myself to go into the home gym and jump on the elliptical for 35 minutes. The time went rather quickly, I really do prefer the elliptical over the treadmill (which I whined because I had to have one and now I refuse to use it).

Not exactly an overly productive day, I didn’t hit the gym in full force, but I did manage to start the week off with some time spent in the gym; now I just need to keep myself on track.

I have an old friend who started working out a few months ago; she has lost quite a bit of weight. I was telling her that I have a hard time keeping a routine. She explained to me that we all do. She explained that when she wants to go work out the least, when she is giving herself excuses, (she calls them her “fat excuses”) those are the times she throws on her gym shoes and makes herself go workout. I really have a lot to learn from her.

My routine consists of a Monday, Wednesday and Friday schedule….so tomorrow, that’s it- No Fat Excuses.

Forming Habits…The Fitness Nightmare March 8, 2010

Forming Habits…The Fitness Nightmare

Why is it so hard to keep on track with something as important as our own health? I wouldn’t exactly say that it was my New Year’s Resolution, but I did make a decision in January to get off my butt and get toned. I know that I join millions of people every year, who around January decide to do one of two things (or both):

1. Lose weight/join a gym/get tone
2. Quit smoking (I don’t smoke, but I know many make this their resolution)

I also assume that I join millions of people who find themselves struggling to stay on track, and inevitably end up making the same resolution next year.

The frustrating part for me is that I honestly want to stick to a workout routine, I simply am a pretty good procrastinator. There are some weeks where I workout every other day, some weeks four days in a row, some weeks just once and of course there are those weeks where I simply don’t even do it.

The obvious result is that I have seen no results. Which ticks me off, and then the next few days I end up going full force…at least for a couple of days until I burn out again. I have tried workout DVD’s, reading books, following an online workout regime and yet nothing keeps me focused or remotely interested.

I find it tough to concentrate when I am in our home gym. I seriously have a ten-second attention span, and I quickly get bored doing exercises. When I first started working out, I would send my boyfriend a text at the end of my sessions, telling him how many reps of what exercise I did, and I would end the text with:”…and one failed pull-up”. I would joke that one day he would get the text and it would end stating: “…and one pull-up”. This is yet to happen, which is once again frustrating.

Of course, common sense will tell me that if I had been keeping a routine, I just might be seeing results. I just don’t get how I can be so quick to put off something that is going to benefit me in so many ways. It’s crazy how quickly we say “it’s hard” and dismiss it form our routine.

On one episode of The Biggest Loser (which I absolutely love), I remember hearing, someone utter that it was hard…naturally Jillian snapped right back with a “you’re damn right it’s hard, nothing good in life comes without hard work.”

So true.

I watch those episodes and could just kick myself..I see people who have incredible obstacles to overcome, and they do not give up. Their payoffs are life changing and incredible at the very least. I tell myself if someone in this condition can stick to it..than I need to get off my lazy 123 pound, whiny butt and get in the gym!

Notice I said that I tell myself this…again, the motivation is totally lacking. I did work out last week…twice; and I intend to jump on track again….tomorrow.  J

By the Time You See Suitcases, It’s Usually Too Late March 4, 2010

By the Time You See Suitcases, It’s Usually Too Late

As much as I was enjoying blogging about the fact that love does exist, and relationships can work…my eyes have been turned to a new focus as of yesterday. Last night a friend of ours informed us that his fiancé’ of five years had packed up her suitcases and left him.

It was no secret that there had been some problems lately, but to our knowledge they had agreed to try to work things out…that plan lasted two weeks.

So here I sit feeling empathy for both him and her, not wanting to take sides, but trying to understand how both feel. I would say that naturally my boyfriend feels the same way as he is friends with both…yet he is best friends with the guy here. Naturally there is an inclination to side with his friend although he does understand her reasons.

I listen to the story and although I honestly don’t agree with how she handled certain things, I do question what some bottom line motivations were, yet I look at the obvious, and I am left defending both sides.

Her fiancé’ feels taken advantage of because he has supported her financially and emotionally while she went to college to earn her degree. Now, suddenly degree in hand and new job lined up in the other, she has packed her bags and is out the door. Sounds simple right? Not so much. If only things were that cut and dry.

I tried to explain to my boyfriend last night how I do understand his point; but as a woman, I can dig a little deeper. It may appear that she was happy up until this point; and at times she might have been, but women never up and leave without serious consideration of all angles, for a very long period of time.

As a survivor of relationships involving alcohol, drugs, violence and gambling…I speak of leaving from a very personal note.

A woman will sit back and watch the man she loves engage in activities that hurt them both, yet most women will say nothing, because they fear confrontation. The act he commits may be so painful, that she feels it is killing her, yet mentioning the situation to her man is simply unthinkable. A woman will run through her head all of the things she wants to say to her man, but will typically remain silent and alone in her hurt, for a few reasons.

1. She doesn’t want to start a fight.
2. She is ashamed of his actions, and even more so ashamed that he is intentionally hurting her and that she allows it to happen.
3. She is afraid that speaking up won’t change anything.
4. The BIGGEST fear….that speaking up will change everything.

So she will turn her cheek, suck up the pain and keep a watchful eye on her man. A woman will do her bets to pretend that things are okay, to carry on as normally as possible. Meanwhile in her head she is carefully evaluating all possible angles of what the worst case scenario will be when she has decided she has had enough.

There is no doubt she loves her man, yet she is so taken by the fact that he has chosen to hurt her by doing certain things. Women are afraid of abandonment, losing things like security, safety and love. We place self value in our relationships and our ability to love and be loved. When a man consciously hurts us, we take a huge hit to out self-worth, it is very personal. At all costs we will try to avoid confrontation, as we would almost rather hurt quietly than lose everything on our eyes.

This is what she does….she sets a mental time limit or strike limit. She will tell herself that he has until such and such time to do the right thing, or if it happens one more time that is the last straw. Sadly, she will not tell him, she just hopes in her mind that his conscious will get the best of him, that he is a mind reader or can take hints that she is unhappy, She will also simply expect him to correct his behavior and he may or may not even know what the issue is, she expects him to take moral responsibility on his own because they are in love. All the while she is mentally evaluating her self-worth, the strength of their love and her ability to move on with or without him. When the time is up or he strikes out again, she is gone…just like that.

In reference of my past relationships I have tried this route several times. I have also tried the confrontation route and tried to verbally work things out. My past relationships had involved things like a drinking, gambling or abusive spouse…and neither option worked in those cases.

Here is what I have learned:

You can cry, beg, hope, plead, pray and wish until you are blue in the face…but you cannot make someone do the right thing, and you cannot make someone love you.

Sometimes talking helps everything, sometimes it does nothing…looking at the overall situation and the behavior at hand…it really is a tough call. These days I would like to say that I talk things out, but as a woman, I know I do choose to keep some things inside for the very same reasons I stated above. I think we have to choose our battles.

A man will get in a fight with his spouse and sleep on the couch or just leave for a night or two until things smooth over. Men do not contemplate every aspect of how this will change everything before speaking up. In situations like above, I will say that by the time a man sees  a woman’s suitcases, it has been dwelled upon for a very long period of time and it is usually too late.

I think we have to set realistic expectations of one another and of what we will and will not tolerate in a relationship, from the very beginning as to avoid any uncertainties. Even this however is never guaranteed but does tie into yesterday’s blog about appreciating one another, learning to communicate effectively and just simply respecting one another. You cannot be with someone for a period of time and get along and agree 100%. Relationships are never perfect, they do require work, but they can be worth it.

Remember How I Loved It When You Used to….Don’t EVER Do That Again March 3, 2010

Remember How I Loved It When You Used to….Don’t EVER Do That Again

It seems to me that when I look back on pretty much all of my relationships both good and bad, there seems to be a pattern. As I talk with friends and family who are in relationships of their own, I see a similar pattern.
Doesn’t always seem that when a group of women get together they almost always end up sharing nagging complaints about their spouses? I would assume that men to a degree as well exchange stories about war on the home front; the nagging wife.

I think that very early on we find characteristics in our spouses that are essentially the reasons we have chosen to be with them. Women will fall for a guy because he is strong yet sensitive, because he works hard, or because she enjoys watching his passion for a sport or hobby. Women will even sometimes be attracted to aggressive men because they tend to view it as a trait that will always ensure her safety.

I think men are somewhat drawn to the sensitivity in women, the ability for us to show our emotions freely, our warm caring ways, our fragile exterior that needs protecting. I feel that men are attracted to the feminine qualities in us that they are particularly not “able” to express freely in themselves. Of course being attractive, able to cook and keep up a house are also things that men admire as they look at spouses and their potential to be a mother down the road.

All of these qualities and traits that we ever so easily admire in the beginning are the things that keep the relationship new, exciting and fun. These are the traits that make us feel connected.

In the beginning of a relationship a man will hear his woman become emotionally upset over something and his natural instinct will be to protect her from hurting. In one way or another he will typically verbally or physically attempt to fix her problem. He does this eagerly because the relationship is new and they still are appreciative of one another and show so effortlessly.

In the beginning of a relationship a woman might appreciate her man’s love for a sport or hobby. In the beginning she may eagerly participate in events with him or allow him free time with his friends to attend these events. She won’t even think twice about it because the relationship is new and still exciting. In the beginning like with the male example, they are still appreciative of one another and eager to please.

As time goes on, the all too familiar happens; She will get emotionally upset over something, he will once again offer her help, and say something along the lines of “ I can’t believe that you are upset over that.”, or “”just forget about it”…his goal is still the same: to protect her from hurt. She will naturally reject his problem solving tactic and wish that he would just hear her out; not fix it. He will complain that she is too sensitive and she will claim that he is insensitive.

As time goes by, this avid sportsman will still attend his events or participate in his hobbies. She will join him less and less and complain that all he cares about is his stupid sport or hobby and that they never do anything together. This will leave him baffled and feeling hurt and guilty because she always used to be enthusiastic about his interests.

What I feel happens is real simple…we forget to appreciate one another. We are all guilty of falling into a routine and accepting daily events as being just that. When he used to open doors for her and greet her with kisses and hugs it would delight her; which would encourage him to continue to do so. In time this daily show of genuine affection became viewed as habit, almost expected by both, and therefore not appreciated with the same affection as it once was.

She would no doubt go out of her way to do little things for him, bring him treats, clean up after him, pamper him in little ways, this too was appreciated and expressed, which reinforced her behavior. In time, these little offerings became habit as well, almost expected and the gratitude disappeared as well.

I think where we all go wrong is real simple…we forget to appreciate each other. We simply grow to expect things, not realizing that they are gifts and each others way of showing affection. When we forget to appreciate, the feeling is replaced with negative feelings toward each other. Yes even something as simple as taking out the trash, cooking dinner or watching the kids should be accepted with gratitude; whether they are viewed as something we are supposed to do or not.

Men especially are driven by reward. The more we nag the less they perform. If they are running late and take the time to call and we thank them for that…it reinforces their effort. This positive reinforcement encourages him to perform to please you again. It is a very simple process. As women, when we take time out to just say thank you, or show appreciation, we reinforce our feelings of love and appreciation for the man in our life, who just wants to provide and protect his prize.

It really is simple…couples who make it do so because they take time out of their hectic daily routines and look for even the slightest ways to thank their spouse for the effort they put into making it work. Whether it is an expected task or a random act of kindness…do not take for granted that your loved one is making a choice every day to do things for you. If they are not doing so, than perhaps we need to take a good look at whether or not we are accepting their offerings or dismissing them as they come.

It doesn’t matter who did what, who is right or wrong…keeping score only causes pain. I suggest that if anyone wants a quick fix to a sour relationship…take the time to show sincere appreciation for even the slightest things every day regardless if you are the one who is feeling wronged; and you will be awarded tenfold, as your spouse will return the favor.

We are all like mice in an experiment, we perform for the prize…in our relationship, that prize is the sincere love, appreciation and affection of our spouse…remember how it used to feel good to go out of our way to help each other….it still should, and can if we take time to appreciate who we have in our lives.

Happily Never After….Is Being Single Really THAT Bad? March 1, 2010

Happily Never After….Is Being Single Really THAT Bad?

If there is one thing I can look back and say that I have done really well in past relationships…it would be to fail them. I look around at my married friends and family…and I grin to myself as I am the last of a dying breed. J

I am 35, I have three teenagers…and I have never been married. I have joked for years that I will be 80 and unmarried still. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t want my own version of Happily Ever After. I do believe in true love and in making a lifetime of memories with the man I love; I am just realistic in that it may or may not happen.

In my crazy head…I would much rather wear the label of unwed with children, than join my parents and so many others as a divorce statistic. Marriage to me should be done once…you marry for love and you marry for life. I believe deeply in the sanctity of the union and in keeping one’s vows upheld.

Yes, some would say that I did it backwards…I had children and did not marry their father. I was young and although I had found myself pregnant, I wasn’t about to find myself married to a man whom I knew I did not want to be with forever. When I had my oldest it was still a pretty taboo subject…unmarried with kids; but as I look around today the unheard of family is one where the biological parents are actually married.

I have been engaged, a couple of times actually. I have been in love…but when it came down to it I simply could not go through and even set a date. Somewhere along the line I just knew in my heart that “this” wasn’t it…this man before me was not the man who I wanted to wake up next to for the rest of my life.

I joke about having always been attracted to the wrong men; they came with vices or were just emotionally unavailable. As I look back I wonder if I had intentionally chosen those men – as a defense mechanism of sorts. At times I tried to hold on to something that was unhealthy; when deep down I was unhappy. It took counseling, courage and a book called Co-Dependant No More to get me through the worst of the relationships. Other times, I simply waited until the tears stopped..when I could no longer cry out of anger or hurt..I knew it was over.

I used to be afraid to be alone. I have learned to enjoy my independence. I enjoy what has come into my life, and I even appreciate all of the bad relationships, because they have taught me something about myself. Every failed relationship has helped me to grow and become the person I am today, and I do not feel that is a bad thing at all.

My mother once shared with me a short saying she found, I have carried it in my wallet for almost ten years now:

7 Things You Can Learn From An Ex!!!

1. 1. That you have a dark side
2. 2. Your best physical assets
3. 3. Your worst traits
4. 4. That you really can’t change someone
5. 5. What you don’t want in your next relationship
6. 6. That you’re tough
7. 7. That every wrong guy takes you one step closer to the right one

This week I am focusing my blogs on relationships; the wrong ones, the right ones and all of the messy stuff in between. Check back daily for new ramblings on this crazy little thing called love.

Does Your Fate Lie in the Cards You Were Dealt? February 26, 2010

Does Fate Lie in the Cards You Were Dealt?

Does a person’s race, gender, or ethnicity play a role on personality and attitudes?

Life doesn’t always happen as we wish it to or want it to. Sometimes very bad things happen to very good people. It is in the moments after our lives change or things go wrong that we find out who we really are. The moments we decide to pick up the pieces and move on are the defining moments of us as individuals; and truly are the moments we start living.

My personal opinion is one of learning and acceptance. I asked a friend of mine the above question and he stated “That is a HUGE question; it plays an immense role. We are products of our environments, simple as that. As I said to a dear friend recently and I’ll say here: Life is a learning lesson, some learn and grow, others blame and dwell. Regardless of the cards we were dealt, our fate is in our own hands.”

In my personal life I would say that race, gender and ethnicity have had little or no influence over my own development of personality. I am a female, my father is German and Dutch and my mother is German and American Indian. I did not inherit my mother’s olive skin or dark eyes. I am pale, with unruly thick hair and my blue eyes are a trademark of our Vanderlinden name.

I was not raised to judge anyone by their race, ethnicity, gender, religion or anything of the like. I did however grow up around elders and peers who did just that. I feel that as a woman, there are things that present themselves as a bigger challenge, than would for a man. I was never told that I could not accomplish something because I was a female. My dad has always encouraged every dream I have had, regardless of how off –the-wall or far-fetched, he has always believed in me.

I don’t feel that opportunity isn’t out there, I feel that it has to be sought out, pursued and even fought for. If success and opportunities were handed out like Halloween candy life would be so much easier on the surface, but what would happen to the development of our personalities, morals, values and beliefs? I think we would be a bunch of spoiled, unappreciative, overgrown brats.

Personality, appreciation and character develop from overcoming obstacles, not getting them handed to us. I tried to explain to my daughter the other day that it is after we rise above something, that we find out who we really are, and that we appreciate how far we have come, even more.

I look back at all of my failures and successes, of which I have many of both. I do not blame anyone for what I do not have, or never achieved any more than I credit them for what I have or accomplished. I sit here a product of my choices. No one forced me to be a single young parent or made me put off going to college until I was in my thirties. I am who and where I am today because I alone made those choices. Every obstacle that I have overcome, every time my dreams were crushed or my heart was broke, brought me one step closer to becoming who I am today, and who I continue to become; and THAT is a good thing.

I would love to say this is a wonderful, happy world and that discrimination does not exist, but I know the opposite is true. In the real world I would say that realistically and sadly, race, gender and ethnicity do play an intricate role in ones development of personality and attitude and in the opportunities and chances people are given.

We are all a products of our environments; some people are faced with heartbreaking circumstances that are out of their control in essence. I feel that some people are subjected to more obstacles than others, but it is in how we are raised and the tools that are instilled in us by our parents and peers, that allow us the ability to use these circumstances as a source of empowerment to overcome any obstacle.

Are You a Product of Your Environment?..Is that a good thing? February 25, 2010

Are We Really Products Of Our Environments?

What was the strongest influence on your attitudes?

Again, I asked this of a friend and here is how he answered me: “Attitudes?  I guess I would say the interaction between my parents, Watching two completely different people and the ups and downs they shared,  was the angel the other well, maybe not, and how they stuck it out till the end where they finally found peace, and true love. We are all pieces of our parents aren’t we? Hopefully we take with us the good and not the bad.”

I can relate to his answer in that with my own parents, they two were polar opposites, the marriage did not last, but the impact of their parenting has left an infinite impression on me.

I would contribute the strongest influence on the development of my personal attitudes, to that of my upbringing. After my mother left, my father took my sister and me from our nice two-story middle-class home, and moved us to a poor part of town into a duplex he had just purchased. My father became disabled in a work-related accident prior to my mother leaving us. We went from a nice house and lots of toys, to living on a disability check and food stamps. We were poor, and we never knew it, because our home was rich with love.

I think my best years of my childhood were in the years after my mother had left. My sister and I were my dad’s pride and joy and there is nothing this man wouldn’t do for us. My dad wore the same jeans, shirt and jacket for almost 20 years; so that we could wear the designer clothes that the other kids were wearing. My father did his best to provide us a “normal” childhood. He was extremely kind and understanding, never judgmental. He barely could provide food for us, yet many of the neighborhood kids ate dinner with us nightly, because their home life was much worse, dad’s doors were always open to whoever was in need of a hot meal or a place to sleep.

My dad’s open heart and kindness for all is the biggest influence on my attitudes toward the world. I have an honest love for humanity and the diversity in this world because my father taught by example.

Am I a product of my environment? I do believe that I am, and I can thank both of my parents for contributing to that.

I am a proud mother of three. My kids are my life, my love, my rock. They have kept me pushing at times when I thought I had nothing left to give. It’s amazing how much our kids teach US about OURSELVES. For them, I am truly grateful.

I’ve learned that life isn’t always what you expect or hope it to be…but there is always something positive that comes out of even the worst of situations- the blessing is in finding it. I love to laugh and I appreciate the simple things in life that most people don’t take the time to notice.

I believe everyone is unique and has something to offer. I am not impressed with big houses, fancy cars or fat paychecks- I am however impressed by a set of morals, a sense of humor and a genuine soul. I think the best advice I ever got was “you have lived well if have loved much and laughed often”…Live long and love strong..is there really any other way?

Everything I Need To Know, I learned From My Parents February 24, 2010

Everything I Need To Know, I learned From My Parents

I contribute a large part of my upbringing to the development of my personality.  I do feel that we are all products of our environment; in that what we experience, feel and see all contribute to our personality and attitude developments. Some people take negative experiences and dwell where others turn the negative into a positive experience.

The experience that contributed most in the development of my own personality would be the different ways in which my parents raised me. When my mother was around she was extremely verbally and physically abusive. She reminded us daily how we had ruined her life and made her miserable, if we looked at her the wrong way or simply walked into a room uninvited we were beat to a pulp. I learned from my mother how we do not treat individuals. I learned from my mother that I did not ruin her life; she made a choice and refused to accept the consequences like an adult. My mother taught me that parenting does not have to hurt, and neither should being a kid.

My father is a kind, loving man, and in all my years he has never raised a hand or his voice to me. My father would drop whatever he was doing to sit down and play a game we were playing, to read us a book or tell us silly stories. My dad always let us make our own decisions, and afterwards he was the type of man who would sit us down and have us explain just how and why we did such, how it affected someone else and what if anything might we have done differently.

My dad loves with all of his heart, would give the shirt off his back and his last $10 to a stranger. He taught me that we are all unique.We are all capable of giving and receiving love, that we all make mistakes. My father taught me the empowerment of forgiveness and the burden of hate. My father taught me that life is a beautiful thing and we are blessed with so much in our daily lives, the beauty is in finding it; and being appreciative for all we do have.

Control Your Attitude or It WILL Control You February 23, 2010

Control Your Attitude or It WILL Control You

Are you self-monitoring in regards to your attitudes? How or how not?

I asked this question of a friend of mine, and his reply was “Most definitely, simply put, “do unto others as you would have done to you”, one of the most permeating axioms that flows consistently through all the earth’s religions, quite profound, yet sweet and simple.”

I agree very much with that answer, and in regard to my own attitudes, my thoughts are this: “Control your attitude or it will control you.” This is something I was told many years ago, and hold in firm belief. I feel that I have always been very open-minded and nonjudgmental. I really don’t think I have to be in a state where I need to constantly monitor my attitude, because I feel that I am very much at ease and fair-minded to everyone equally.

I personally am not a person who is easily upset or angered. I have had people question me over the years on how someone can do this or that to me and I do not hate them. Well, “hate” is a pretty strong word, and to carry that type of emotion requires an awful lot of energy and devotion. I refuse to put that much energy into a lost cause. I am in any way a revenge seeking person; instead, I get relief through forgiveness. I feel that the best way to move past a negative experience is to forgive that person and to live your own life well.

I have been through some very hurtful and heartbreaking experiences, just as everyone else has. Yet I hold no grudges, I move on by choosing to forgive. Years ago as I literally watched my fiance, my house, my credit and what had been my dreams up until that point, all disappear before my eyes, I sat at the bottom looking up in despair. My sister reminded me that “The best revenge you will ever have is to live your life well; rise above this Shannon.”

We are all in control of our own attitudes every day, which to an extent steers the course for many of our daily outcomes. Treating others fairly and kindly is a simple task that should not have to be premeditated, but for some, unfortunately it takes far more discipline than others to accomplish that task.